Tale of Two Floridas

"If you hold on to the handle, she said, it's easier to maintain the illusion of control. But, it's more fun if you just let the wind carry you." Brian Andreas

Ok, let's get practical. Today I want to share with you two real-life examples of "life-shifting" in action. The stories I'm about to share here are real (the names have been changed to protect the innocent), and I think it is safe to say that their tales of woe in dealing with Florida real estate are not rare--at least not these days! The situations that each of these clients find themselves in are similar. The ways that each deals with FEAR are completely different. Let's see what we can learn from their plight.

This is a tale of two Gary's. Gary #1 is in his early 60's, a semi-retired professional, living in Florida. A few years ago he and a friend became next-door neighbors in the second-home condo world of beachfront Florida real estate. Buying a beautiful top-floor condo right near the water, near the peak of the market, Gary #1 looked at the location, the up-scale developments going up all-around, and decided this was a great time to make a solid investment. He had done well with Florida real estate in the past, and as the market was roaring along on all cylinders, all indicators--beach front, upscale, sought-after location, growing population, good financing, etc.--signaled that this was a no-brainer.

Gary #2 is much younger, mid-30's New York professional, just getting into career planning, 401K's, and investments. He too purchased an ocean front condo--on a different coast--in a fast-growing, affluent neighborhood. He too, got great financing. He too, believed that the market would continue to head up.

Both Gary's thought of themselves as "long term" investors; that is, at least a couple of years! At an upward rate of appreciation in the market of 10% or more each year, both believed that they would make good money if they decided to sell within about 3 years.

We know what happened next. Hurricanes hit Florida all the time, but economic tsunamis are relatively new phenomenon. Mortgage crises, plummeting home prices, foreclosures all around, rising taxes, and few renters...all the worst possible events have occurred.

Jump forward two years. Both Gary's are in shock, anxious and fearful. "Stressed out" would be the phrase I most often hear. For a while they thought the storm would abate, the tide would turn...but the opposite has proven true. With the global financial debacle hitting every corner of the economic globe, the situation in Florida has just gotten worse. Both Gary's find themselves in the "perfect storm"--losing money every month on their mortgages, no renters in sight, no prospects for profit if they sell...and a month is beginning to feel "long term".

The road to Florida riches is paved with good intentions. Both Gary's are great guys. Not crooks, not idiots, not even fly-by-night investors. Given the facts and figures they had to work with at the time, both investments truly looked viable. But, as we now know, no one can predict the future, and the tide simply turned against them. Looking back we might say the storm was inevitable, visible on the horizon. Of course, far enough out on the horizon there is always a storm, and always clear skies as well. What are we gonna get on any given day? Unknown.

So how have my two Gary's fared in the maelstrom? Both have become incredibly anxious, worried--and yes, fearful--that the situation, both emotionally and financially, is not sustainable. Both have felt the tinge of regret, self-recrimination, and self doubt. In Life-Shifting parlance, both have found themselves in a RUT. Stuck: change is required, but fear is in control. We've all been there. Real estate is just a metaphor for life. We all know what it feels like to reach the END of something and be oh-so-reluctant to let go, of a deal, a relationship, a job.

Gary #1, perhaps with the wisdom of years, recognized when fear was taking over. And he did two key things: 1. He talked about it and asked for support; 2. he made the decision to sell; to let go and move on. Gary #2, perhaps due to his naivete and feelings of humiliation upon discovering that this kind of thing can REALLY happen, did the opposite: 1. He told no one (except me); 2. He pretended that all was well (recognize denial in action?: see previous post "Fear Not!?").

Of course, we all know where my story is heading: Gary #1, with the help of a compassionate group of friends and professionals, worked through his fear and regret, made the decision to sell, took a deep breath and accepted the big loss on his balance sheet (very painful!), and moved on. A few months of agony, yes, but release, relief, and peace followed. And, as you might expect, there is good news from Gary #2: he heard about the story of Gary #1 and got the message: he is beginning to shift. He is sharing his story with friends and family, getting advice from professionals and asking for help. Soon, he too, will make a decision and move on. He may need to declare bankruptcy if the property won't sell--even at a loss--but even that, for a hard-working, professional in the prime of his career, is not the end of the world.

Now you may be wondering if I'm writing this story to make Gary #2 look bad. Not at all. I'm writing this story because I think we are all more like Gary #2 most of the time. I know I am. Be honest with yourself: how many times have you stewed on a decision, isolating yourself and holding on to your fear and anxiety about the need to END SOMETHING--an investment gone sour, a relationship over, a job at a dead end? We've all been there. Letting go is hard. BUT it is a necessary part of any cycle of self-renewal.

Everything in life moves in a cycle of birth, growth, death, and re-birth. When we can recognize the cycle as natural, and not let our fear constrict us mentally and emotionally, when we can join the human race and ask for help instead of hiding out, pretending that everyone else has got it handled...well, then we can move through fear, let go of whatever it is that needs to be released--condos, stocks, girlfriends, parents--and get back in the flow of life.

Gary #2 is most of us. Gary #1 is my life-shifting role model; a master teacher in the school of RELEASING FEAR and NAVIGATING LIFE CHANGE. Fortunately, he has not only moved on from the ash heap of burned out condo investments, he is out in the world, sharing his wisdom and insight with others, mentoring those Gary #2's that roam the streets of Florida (and elsewhere) looking like caged animals--anxious, starving for support, alone.

My hat is off to both Gary's. I thank them for the opportunity to learn--to see ourselves in their plight and to see the gift of re-invention in the life-shifting mastery of Gary #1. So...here's the summary point:

If you find yourself in a bad economic situation and over wrought with fear, anxiety and stress, take a lesson from the playbook of Gary #1. Step back, recognize your fear, accept it and move forward. Talk about it with others; ask for help. When you're ready, make a decision and let go....and let GOD.

Dr J

ps. anyone interested in a great deal on a Florida condo...let me know! :)

Step Two: Mind the Gap

Well, I guess I'm about twenty years too late to join the hip-hop generation, which is too bad because I really like their attitude. Or should I say 'tude. Wassup? Not much, they might say, we're just chillin.

Chillin. Relaxing. Taking it easy. Taking a breather. They're on to something here.

Yesterday, I left off with a long Sunday morning exhale, trying not to leave you feeling too anxious or worried or stressed out to learn that FEAR is a perfectly normal reaction to the way the world is behaving these days. My key point was this: it is not usually the fear itself that causes us to get all tied up in emotional knots, rather it is our denial of it, and our resistance to it, that brings on strife.

The minute we shift our focus from pushing our fears away towards recognition and acceptance of their absolute normalcy, things start to change. We may find ourselves with a little bit more room to breathe, a little more space for creativity and possibility to emerge. AND THEN IT IS TIME TO CHILL!

I have written here before about the difference between reacting and responding to life. In a very practical sense the only difference between the two is space, that brief moment of silence, recognition, awareness that occurs when we respond as opposed to that instantaneous, painful--and sometimes hurtful--lurch of reactivity.

Those vibrant young hipsters who would admonish us to "chill" are pointing the way: the key to releasing our fears once we've recognized and accepted their presence is found in that blessed space between awareness and response, what I'll call the gap. And we find our way into this space by "chillin"--stopping to breathe, to get grounded, to relax a bit, to WAIT before acting until we feel centered again.

Reacting to our stressors--be they the purveyors of bad news on CNN, irritating spouses, demanding bosses--with immediate fight/flight agency (remember the last time you flipped the bird to the driver that cut you off!) just reinforces our fearful state. In our reactive mode, we feel the tightness in our chests, the brow furling, the breath becomes short and halting. We may call it an "attack" of anxiety but in truth the attacker is ourselves: we react to our fearful state by reinforcing it.

Of course, all this talk of chillin is easier said than done. Most of us are habituated to react...and react we do. In our rather out-of-whack society in which action is revered and contemplation is considered a waste of time by many, "minding the gap" is an unusual practice. Meditation helps, but for many, meditation is very difficult, if not impossible. I personally prefer yoga.

The gift of yoga is that while it is a meditative practice, with a focus on centering, breathing, and being present, the whole body is engaged. Yoga offers us the opportunity to experience the spaciousness of presence, not just in the mind, but in the muscles, lungs, fingers and toes--where the energy of fear often lingers, coiled, tight and ready to spring. Whether yoga, meditation, or some other practice--playing music, writing poetry, prayer, etc--we all need to find our way to "mind the gap" -- to find some space between the notes.

Here's my summary thought for yesterday and today's posts. Let's call it the two-step dance for releasing fear: 1. recognize and accept: when your anxiety, stress, worry, and irritation is FEAR in disguise. 2. Mind the gap: create space for the feeling, allow it some breathing room. Take that very crucial moment--and respond rather than react.

So...how you be chillin?

Dr. J

Fear Not!?

So here we are poised on the edge of a historic week: 79 years ago, on the 28-29th of October, the stock market came crashing down and the Great Depression began. It had been building for weeks, perhaps months, but the ticking bomb of economic calamity finally went off this exact week lo those many years ago, leaving the foundational fabric of American prosperity in tatters for decades to come. Could it happen again? Are you afraid, very afraid?

It strikes me that in the midst of the unprecedented volatility--at least in our lifetimes--of today's political, economic and financial landscape, there is only one constant: FEAR. Whether it is the kind of fear that is actively being used as a tool to win votes (see Republican play book) or the kind of fear that is more covertly spread across the airwaves by newscasters and their financial and political "experts" in the guise of "financial anxiety", stress, and worry, FEAR is the theme of the day. So how does one cope?

Well, as I point out in my upcoming book, Shift it! Let Go of Fear and Get Your Life in Gear, the first step in any coping strategy for fearful times is this: know thy enemy!

Before we can engage with fear in any meaningful way, before we can shift it--and release its power over us--we need to comprehend this paradox: fear is a good thing. That's right. We have to step back, take a deep breath, and get clear on the fact that FEAR is a perfectly normal, totally human, response to uncertainty, unpredictability, and the unknown--otherwise referred to as "life". Fear is designed to protect us.

Fear is something we learned from people who loved us: our parents, our teachers, our friends. As innocent and playful children running around the living room or rolling in the grass, there was nothing to fear: life was pure adventure...fun, fun, fun. BUT...somewhere along the way, for all of us, the REALITY of germs, dangerous doggies, sharp objects, hot stoves (you name it!) came along, and along with these came the parental warnings: "be afraid, very afraid". Of course, protective pundits of adulthood were only triggering in us the genetic warning systems that were already in place: by the time we are seven years old, we are hard-wired to experience fear as a physical, emotional, and cognitive response to real--or perceived--danger. AND...thank god for that!

The problem as I see it, isn't fear. The real challenge in times like these, at least for me and many of my clients--and believe me, we discuss FEAR a whole lot these days--is denial.

Here's the rub: fear is a very real and measured response to the unknown; it is natural and once understood for what it is, what purpose it serves, and how it manifests, it can be worked through, and released. Denial, on the other hand, is what the psychiatrists would call a double-door defense: defending against a defense. Denial is a tricky form of avoidance, a cover-up, a ruse. Denial shows up most blatantly in circular logic: "I am worried because I'm so anxious"...or "I'm so stressed out about my anxiety"...or even better: "all this worry about the economy is making me feel out-of-control and anxious". You get the idea?

We talk ourselves in circles about anxiety, stress, worry, lack of control...and eventually, if we feel safe enough to let down our guard, a little reality pokes through: we are fearful. Yup. Simple. We are not in control. We are going to die. We don't really know what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day or the next. Wake up and smell the Starbucks. Reality, meet denial.

OK, if you're still with me, you probably feel like this idea of breaking through the denial of our sad, sorry state of affairs is the end of the story. Fade to black...or should I say bleak? BUT NO. The opposite is true: We are now, and only now on the path towards peace, joy, and resumed happiness. This is only the beginning, for once we break through the glass ceiling of denial, and recognize (key word: RECOGNIZE)that fear is a perfectly natural response to the condition of being human, animal, nature (yes, I know we deny this one too most of the time!), we are back on track towards our natural state of bliss. Yes, you heard me: bliss!

The first step towards releasing the binding and blinding hold of fear on us is this: recognize fear, name it, own it, label it, and accept it. Go ahead, you can say it, "I am afraid. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm scared." Truth. Now breathe.

It takes a whole lot of wasted energy--energy that could be used for all sorts of creative, innovative, amazing feats of the imagination that move us light years beyond our fear--to hide out behind the walls of anxiety, stress and worry. They are all FEAR.

So let's all breathe a sigh of relief and welcome in the truth: fear is real. Fear is designed to protect me. Fear is my friend. So...the first step towards SHIFTING IT! is to welcome the gift of fear and stop denying that I feel it.

On that note, let's take a breather and maybe now we can all relax a bit. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to DEAL with fear once we've got it square in our sights. But since it's Sunday...and the Great Depression, part 2, hasn't arrived quite yet, so let's take the rest of the day off.

Cheers!

Dr J

The Silver Lining

So, is anybody out there feeling a little anxious these days? I know I am. The constant roar of bad news coming from all sides--political, economic, global--just seems to get louder and louder. Clearly, many of our esteemed cultural institutions, whether business, government or somewhere in-between (Fannie and Freddie) are on the brink of dissolution. Something has run amok in the very fabric of the systems that underlie our way of life, and that have propped up our so-called "prosperity" for a very long time.

Whenever I hear the politicians fixing blame on Wall Street for its greed and corruption, or hear business people decry the Beltway (Government's superhighway in D.C.) for its laziness and lack of oversight, or the news media rant about the need to help "Main Street," I can't help but wonder how we could have created a street map where none of the streets seem to intersect. Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work on Wall Street and live on Main Street? Am I the only one who knows people, good people, who work for the Government and live on Main Street? The truth, of course, which we Main Streeters are loathe to admit, is that we are all culpable for this cataclysm. All the streets overlap, all of us got caught up in the fever of buying, borrowing, and consuming--living according to the mantra: more more more.

What I'm hoping is that once the dust settles, the election is over, and the stock market hits some sort of bottom--just as addicts bottom out and start over--that we will all see this breakdown as an opportunity to re-evaluate. There is a silver lining to all this darkness: a chance to clear out the debris on ALL the streets, as it were, and get a fresh start.

One of the key tenets of the Life-Shifting method that I use every day with clients both private and corporate, is the principle that you move through a rut--any kind of rut(and we are certainly in a big one these days)--through the process of release; letting go; releasing what no longer serves you. In this case, it might be fantasies of accumulating real estate that always appreciates, driving at 80 miles an hour without ever getting a speeding ticket, or eating box after box of chocolates without ever gaining a pound. We've all been there: drunk on the pleasures of the moment, piper paying be damned.

What we end up releasing as we come out of a rut, is our story. The story is the narrative that we have told ourselves over and over again, convincing ourselves of its validity in spite of either no evidence or a great deal of evidence to the contrary. It is a sobering experience, letting go of our stories, but it is also a necessary step in the inevitable journey called "growing up." Doesn't it sometimes feel like America, a youthful empire of less than 300 years, acts just like a rebellious, over-reaching, petulant teen-ager? Perhaps the story of adolescent angst and excess and idealism--as sweet as it can be at times--is exactly the collective story whose end is near.

Carl Jung, one of the founders of modern psychology and the sage behind well-known concepts like the archetypes, the shadow, and the collective unconscious, pointed out that most transformative breakthroughs occur only after the ego surrenders its final defenses. Unable to continue propping up an outdated and ultimately destructive narrative, we finally just let it go. In the midst of ego-breakdown, whether on an individual or collective level, it can be very frightening, as the rug of "normalcy" gets pulled right out from under us.

But this disruption, my friends (to use the over-baked McCain adage that makes my blood boil), is a good thing. It signals a collective regime change, the end of a story that is running us into the ground. Something new--a new way of seeing, being, and operating in the world--on individual, collective and even global levels--is waiting to be born. The release-process is messy, for sure. It is painful, no doubt about that. But it is necessary.

Perhaps, at this time when the collective, adolescent story of America's "special" place in the world is finally getting a real comeuppance, it is time for all of us to step back and reflect on the same question: what story do I need to release? What have I been telling myself--over and over--that just gets me into trouble?

Here's a hint to finding what may be an elusive answer: look for a story that, if you were to let it go, feels pretty darn scary. Look for one where you are holding on tight.

Here's another twist that might be helpful: try finishing this sentence: I know that I'm only going to be happy if/when_____. Fill in the blank. Then ask yourself: is this really true? Most of us have fear-based stories that run us like: I'll only be happy if I'm the perfect parent, or I'll only be happy if I have enough money, or lose thirty pounds, or find the perfect soulmate. You get the idea.

These are our stories. Sometimes they are very useful, spurring us on to great aspirations, visions, and creative endeavors. Unfortunately, more often they are like fantasies, with an addictive quality, prompting us to keep striving, stressing, and accumulating--power, money, stuff, and angst.

America is in the midst of a big letting go. No longer the center of, let alone Master of, the universe, perhaps it is time to take our place as an imperfect, wonderful, exasperating experiment among many in the history of nation-states. Humility--a healthier, more mature story of who we are in the world, might just replace hubris. I hope so.

And...what about us Main Streeters? We must do our part--it takes all of our messy, complex, and well-defended individual egos to make up the collective. It is surely time to shed some or our own outworn armor, to discard stories with which we have fooled ourselves--probably for far too long.

I for one, believe in silver linings: A new story awaits.

See you on the other side!

Dr J